It's Just Lunch :: The Dating Tips Blog

Looks, Money & Sex: The Truth Behind Common Dating Fears

Dating can be fun, adventurous, and exciting, but it can also be a little bit scary.  If you’re truly interested in finding that special someone, you must also open yourself up to rejection, heartache, and pain.  It’s no wonder that both men and women at times face debilitating insecurities when it comes to dating.  Admit it:  There have been times on a date when instead of listening to what the other person had to say or looking out for possible chemistry, you couldn’t get out of your head your worst fears and least favorite qualities about yourself.  They say that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, but when it comes to insecurities and dating, guess what?  We are all the same!  No matter what we have going on below the belt, we all have similar expectations, hopes, and anxieties going into a date.  Men and women are equally nervous about dating and actually share very similar insecurities – they just manifest themselves in slightly different ways.  

The beautiful thing is that understanding your date’s insecurities will help ease your own, so you can both move on and enjoy your lunch without irrational thoughts and fears interrupting what could be fun, intimate, life changing moments.  Guys and gals, here is the truth behind your own insecurities and your date’s.  Pay attention to where they overlap and especially what you can do to boost both of your confidence levels so you can move on to the fun part of dating – finding love. 

Top Five Male Insecurities On a Date:

1)  Hairline

Guys, when you’re on a date explaining what you do for a living and where you grew up, you might notice that her eyes are studying your face and looking you up and down, but we promise she is not judging your hairline, worried about male pattern baldness, or wondering if you’ve ever tried Propecia.  She’s simply trying to determine if it’s your eyes that she will forever see when she wakes up in the morning.

Now ladies, if your date makes a self-deprecating comment about his hairline, don’t just awkwardly change the subject to your dog’s Christmas present.  If you look him in the eye instead and say, “I think bald men are totally sexy,” we promise that your date will improve immediately.

2)  Body

We know you guys are secretly just as insecure about your weight and body type as most women, if not more so!  Whether it’s the extra pounds you’ve gained since college, the size of what’s underneath those boxer briefs, or how your date towers over you in her four-inch heels, body image concerns can be all-encompassing on a date, but remember that women are far less visual than men, and get more hot and bothered by things like chivalry, intelligence, and a sense of humor. Tell her a good story or make her laugh and you’ll turn her on more than Ryan Reynolds’s abs ever could.

Ladies, remember to compliment your date!  You want him to tell you that you look beautiful and you should do the same for him.  Tell him that he has gorgeous eyes or that you like his suit, and be genuine about it.  Even if you're not insanely attracted to him, we know you can find at least one positive trait to compliment.  By putting kind, loving energy like this out, you'll get it back (even if it's not from this guy).

3)  Sex

Guys, you must know that chances are you’re not going to end up getting down and dirty on your first date, but you probably still have sex on the brain!  You’re probably already worrying about how to get from that Its Just Lunch date to the bedroom without completely embarrassing yourself, but we’re here to tell you that the sooner you stop worrying about that and start paying attention to your date, the faster you’ll end up in the bedroom with her.
 
As for you ladies, if you think there’s chemistry between you and this guy and you’re thinking naughty thoughts, too, let him know it so that he doesn’t waste any more time worrying about being shot down.  Squeeze his hand, touch his arm, or wink at him, and hopefully he’ll take the hint.  Alternatively, if you’re definitely not interested in ever having sex with him, don't lead him on with suggestive conversation!  Let him know in a subtle, kind way that you’re just not feeling it.

4)  Job

We know that some of you guys are concerned that if you’re not a Fortune 500 CEO, a fancy pants heart surgeon, or literally a rock star, your job won’t be impressive to a woman.  Well, that’s simply not true, guys.  Most women just want a guy who is passionate about life and has chosen something worthwhile or interesting to do with his time.  Above anything, act positive about your job rather than whiney and negative about it and your date will automatically be more interested in you.

Ladies, if you get the idea that your date doesn’t want to talk about work, don’t push the issue.  You’re not there to read his resume; you’re there to see if you two are compatible or have possible chemistry.  Leave work at work and focus on having fun on the date.

5)  Money

Guys, despite what you may be worried about, not every woman is obsessed with money.  Don’t judge all women just because you’ve watched a few too many episodes of The Millionaire Matchmaker.  The majority of women want a man who is compassionate, understanding, stable, honest, and who will make her feel loved and adored.  These are all things that money can’t buy.

Ladies, if you aren’t really looking for love and are just looking for someone to pay your bills, we think you’re selling yourself short… not to mention the guys you’re dating.

Stay tuned for our upcoming blog post Top 5 Female Insecurities On a Date!

It’s Just Lunch contributing writers Jodi Lipper and Cerina Vincent are the authors of “How to Love Like a Hot Chick” and “Live Like a Hot Chick”.  They have been featured on The Tyra Banks Show, Extra!, and the Today Show.  Their work can be seen on the Huffington Post, Pop Sugar, Galtime, and in the pages of Maxim, Complete Woman, and numerous other publications. 

Can you small talk?

Nobody likes someone who is boring.  Nobody likes someone who can’t contribute to a conversation.  Have you ever just stood there in front of a woman and you just didn’t know what to say?  You’re standing there, and all of a sudden you draw a blank.  So instead of saying something stupid – you’ve learned that saying something stupid and changing the subject just kills the conversation – you sit there in utter silence.

The question in this moment: are you standing there in silence, or are you actually learning?

There are times in your life when you may not know what to say.  At these points, it’s better to shut up, listen, and learn.  The fact is that by listening and learning you’re going to be able to understand what is going on in that situation so you may not always be able to contribute to the conversation. Perhaps someone is having a political debate and you don’t know much about politics. In this case, it’s better to keep your mouth shut than say something stupid.  It’s always better to be quiet than to say something dumb.  What this lesson should teach you is that you need to become more knowledgeable about a wide variety of topics.  You need to have a lot of facts out there.  Something I recommend to a lot of guys is to get subscriptions to certain magazines: Details, Esquire, GQ, and People magazine.  Details, Esquire, and GQ are going to give you an overview of a lot of different things – from fashion and trends to deeper stories and what’s going on abroad – they’ve got some really great articles in those magazines.  Now People magazine is another good one because if you’re standing there in line at the supermarket and a woman picks up People magazine or US Weekly, you can look at her, smile, and say something like, “is Britney Spears going to have that alien baby again?” You know things about stuff like that.

All of a sudden you’ll catch her attention.   Learning a lot about a lot of different things is going to give you the conversation starters that you need in every situation.  A lot of times in life when you are at a loss for words, it is because you are not educated enough in the events that are going on around you.  This is another reason that I tell guys all the time to go out and meet women in places that you’re comfortable in – if you do that, you’ll be able to have conversation starters. You’ll have things to talk about and if you have things to talk about… and who knows where it might lead!

 

It’s Just Lunch contributing writer David Wygant is an internationally-renowned dating and relationship writer/ coach.   His funny yet direct approach to dating has revolutionized how people meet and interact with the opposite sex.  His advice columns can be found on Huffington Post and Ask Men. In addition, he has been featured on MTV, The New York Times, MSNBC, Fox News, Cosmopolitan, Men's Health and E! Entertainment Television -- as well as on more than 2,000 radio shows.

Will a Google search stand between you and true love?

The internet makes it easy to “learn more” about a person you’re dating, or want to date. Through online searches and social media sites, you can find someone’s age, occupation and place of work. You can learn about their pastimes and perhaps even their pet causes. But the fact most people are “Google-able” these days does not necessarily make it easier to find a match, let alone a soul mate, It’s Just Lunch research suggests.  

One-fourth of women and 14 percent of men always do a Google search before a first date, and women are twice as likely to cancel the date without discussion should their internet sleuthing turn up something odd, according to IJL’s 2011 Dating Trends survey. Unfortunately, besides weeding out undesirables, online vetting can rule out prospective matches who come across better in person than on paper (or in pixels).

“I find I’m more likely to write off guys with public Facebook profiles or their own websites — there’s so much information, I can easily find something I don’t like,” admits Angie, of Atlanta.

Nearly half of the online investigators said they would keep a first date even if something odd turned up, and 33 percent would come right out and address what they found prior to the date or when they meet face-to-face. But what about the other half who peremptorily call off the date? Where safety is concerned, you should trust your instincts, of course, but should your romantic prospects hinge on a Google search?

Donna, of Chicago, admits she might not have pursued her relationship with Jake had she Googled him early on. A business owner, Jake was the target of a law suit — or so it appears. She found out there’s another Jacob with the same last name and in the same line of work, whom she and Jake jokingly refer to as his evil twin. “I shudder to think I might have missed out on true love based on a case of mistaken identity,” says Donna, who is now engaged. 

On the flip side, online searches can stoke desire. Tom’s girlfriend of six months Googled him after their first date, came across his blog, and loved his views and writing. She then sent a friend request through Facebook, which emboldened Tom to ask her out again. “Being searchable and having an online presence ended up being a big part of why we’re together,” says Tom, of Baltimore.

But does a conspicuous online presence take away from dating and courtship? “I do think it takes away some of the mystery and excitement you should have, revealing yourself piece by piece on each date,” says Erica, of Phoenix.

Just how important is that sense of mystery, anyway? Angie tried to no avail to track down a man who’d intrigued her when they met at a reading: “His lack of an online identity actually made me more excited about our date,” she says.

“Although I do like to do my homework,” she adds, “I guess I also like a little bit of mystery too.”

Bottom line: As a matchmaker and private eye, Google is unreliable. And as a true judge of character, it’s highly suspect if not altogether useless. 

Get Down to Business? Not on a First Date

Most successful men spend the better part of their day working. However, that doesn’t mean they enjoy talking about their occupation when getting to know you. In fact, It’s Just Lunch surveys consistently show that men would prefer not to discuss work on a first date. If work comes up, men watch for signs that it’s their personality, not their profession, that is sparking your interest.

“I love what I do. And with the right person at the right time, I love talking about it,” says Jeff, a Dallas physician.

For Jeff, a first date is not the right time. But just because a woman asks about it does not make her the wrong person. It’s what she says and does afterward that matters to him. “I have had a few dates where things might have gone differently to assure me those women were interested in me and not my job title or earning potential,” Jeff says.

Acting impressed simply because Jeff is a doctor puts him on guard. “You can’t know on a first date that what I do is admirable,” he points out.

Finding out what Jeff does and then asking no questions feels as wrong to him as asking inappropriate things like how much he makes.

Clumsy: “So, you’re a doctor!”

Better: “So, you survived the rigors of med school. How did you decide on your specialty?”

The latter question suggests there’s more to Jeff than his title and provides an opportunity to find out what makes him tick.

Chris, a mechanical engineer, finds it “completely natural” to talk about his occupation on a first date. “It seems rather odd to me to not discuss what you spend most of your day doing when you’re specifically trying to get to know someone,” he says, “but I do understand why some men would have reservations.”

His advice: “Don’t ever talk about work right off the bat. Connect over something besides work first. Come prepared to talk about things you like and see what the guy picks up on. Share things that are representative of you as a person, such as a favorite vacation, a concert you went to, a book you’re reading.”

Asking what a guy did over the weekend, Chris concludes, probably will reveal more on a first date than what he does for a living.

The 3 R's: What women look for on a first date

Ever wonder what women look for on a first date? We spoke with eligible gals to find out how they size up men for relationship potential. What they generally look for are three things: respect, readiness and realism.

 

• Show some respect to the wait staff. “I definitely keep an eye on how my date treats service people,” says Michelle, a 30-something single from New York. Acting supercilious, dismissive or rude is a turnoff and suggests to Michelle that you’re a power tripper.  “Don’t complain about the restaurant,” adds Lauren, 31, of Atlanta. “Make a joke about it if it’s awful, but nothing ‘sucks’ on our date. Not your day, not your boss, not the service, not the food. Everything is great because you are in the presence of a beautiful and exciting woman.”

 

• Show you are ready for a relationship. “How many times a man mentions his ex is always a good indication of where he stands relationship-wise — the more mentions, the less likely he is looking for a committed relationship,” Michelle says.

 

• Show you have realistic expectations. Readiness without realism raises a red flag. “Be super clear about your expectations for fun and not about finding a wife immediately,” Lauren says. “You cannot know that I’m perfect for you on a first date. Don’t act like I am. It seems fake.”

 

So there you have it — the three R’s women look for on a first date. Respect, readiness and realism. Surprised there’s not a fourth R, for riches?

Women generally aren’t looking for signs of wealth when sizing you up. And they certainly don’t want you to act as though your net worth should impress them. “Don’t tell me about objects you own, such as vacation homes, cars or the latest gadget. Not only am I not interested in these things,” Lauren warns, “but it will seem like your money is all you have to offer if this is what you start with.”