It's Just Lunch :: The Dating Tips Blog

Remember: there's a fine line between annoying and endearing.

 By: Andrea Syrtash, Host of "On Dating"

Einstein said that the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Most of us are very stubborn about our dating practices claiming that we know what we know and even if our dating choices have not yet helped us find a successful relationship, we are not interested in challenging the way we date. Dr. Phil would certainly ask, "Well - how's that workin' for ya?”

Recent results of the American Way poll for It’s Just Lunch suggest that we are speed dating on first dates, dismissing the potential for more to develop before the bread basket even arrives.  According to the survey, it seems that we may as well request the check and end most dates after just a half hour or less!

In one of my first columns, I referred to 'Loud Sally' - a woman my friend initially wrote off as crazy and later pursued to marry.   My friend found this woman loud and rather irritating when he first encountered her, and never considered that her nervousness or the high noise-level in the room caused her to um...project...more than usual.  She was not at her best but he did not stick around long enough to realize there was a lot more to 'Loud Sally' than met the eye (or the ear, in this case). Interestingly, some of the quirks that this woman displayed the night they met later became my friend's favorite parts of her personality when he re-connected with her a year later. He once told me, "She hiccups when she's excited!" as if it was the cutest characteristic someone could have. Remember: there's a fine line between annoying and endearing.

How do you know, though, if, with a little time and patience, someone may grow on you? Here is a simple litmus test: If you look at the woman across from you on a first date and feel completely turned off and cannot see any shadow of a possibility with her in this lifetime (oh – the drama!) move on. If, however, you look at the woman in front of you and think, “She’s not a supermodel but I’m kind of enjoying this conversation…” hang in there. You may discover more about your feelings or the connection you have with her after the initial round of first date small talk…

Don’t get me wrong: I am not suggesting that you go on multiple dates with someone who turns you off – that is unrealistic and unfair. But - is it too much to ask for you to try to stay open-minded and present for the duration of a simple lunch date with someone you even moderately like? Like at first site is definitely underrated. Is it not worth the time and money you have put into the date to actually give it a fair shot? Doing so is not just for your date’s sake, but it is for yours as well.   If you are rejecting any possibility of a connection before you even know if you have one, you may be missing out on someone you have real chemistry with.  Too many happily married folks report that feelings grew through time together, and we all know that some of the blind date chatter is not always our best material.

Give your date an opportunity to show you who she is before you mentally check out. Give her more than half hour. After all, wouldn’t you want to be given the same chance?

Andrea Syrtash is a dating expert, life coach, author and host of 'ON Dating', produced by NBC Digital Studios. Her third book, "He's Just Not Your Type (and that's a good thing)" will be published by Rodale in April 2010. Andrea has made Google 'hot trends’, ranking in the top 100 things googled on particular days between 2007-2009. She has no idea how that happened, but appreciates the (very postmodern) honor. For more visit www.andreasyrtash.com

Increase your odds of meeting someone by getting out and about!

Sports Leagues

If you're a sports enthusiast, joining a league is one way to meet other athletic and sports minded people in a non-threatening environment.  Socializing after the game provides further opportunities to meet and mingle, but there are some downsides to the league approach.  As with any other bunch that meets regularly, some people won't want to "date" within a group or a team because they are afraid of ruining the group's chemistry.  Golf, tennis, softball and polo are among the best sports to find successful and eligible professionals.n 

Another Great Place to Meet People

Classes and Workshops

Signing up for a class at a the local junior college or university is really a win-win situation:  you are doing something you enjoy, expanding your knowledge and meeting like-minded people.  And if you want to increase your odds, why not join a class that usually is frequented by the opposite sex?  Guys, try interior design (it can't hurt), personal development or gourmet cooking.  Ladies, look into business management, computer and golf.  If no one in the class catches your eye, don't lose hope.  Once you start cultivate new friendships, these folks will introduce you to their friends and family.

Dance classes are also a terrific way to meet other singles and are a whole lot of fun.  Country and swing dancing are very popular.  How about learning a tango, salsa or meringue?  You'll pick up hot moves, get in shape, and best of all dancing comes complete with partners who often rotate among the class.

Want to meet someone? Get out of the house!

In the following weeks, we are going to explore some great places to meet to scope out potential dates.  First up...

Coffee Shops, Juice Bars & Bookstores

Bookstores with coffee shops are great locales to make new friends.  Try scoping out approachable people in sections of the bookstore that reflect your interests.  With all those book titles, you've got thousands of potential conversation starters.  If you spot someone interesting, check out the book section they're browsing, and if you know something about the subject, speak up.  If you don't, pick up a book and ask if they know anything about the author you're perusing.  Once you've broken the ice, suggest a move over to the coffee area for some more conversation.  It's a great way to get to know someone a bit without the pressure of a traditional date.

“It’s Just Lunch” and American Way In Flight Magazine Reveal That When It Comes to Dating, There’s Little Time To Make A Good Impression

66% Decide in Just a Half Hour Whether They Will See Other Person Again; 25% of Respondents Have Met Someone They Were Interested in Dating on an Airplane

SAN DIEGO, CA (September 8, 2009) – Recently-polled readers of American Way, the in flight magazine of American Airlines say that when on a first date, 66% of them will decide in just a half hour whether they will see the other person again.  Sixteen percent say they make the decision in the first five minutes, and another five percent of total respondents know “immediately.”

The survey, conducted jointly by the magazine and specialty dating service It’s Just Lunch, found that 22% of the respondents would give the other person a bit more time - one hour, total.  Only 13% of respondents would give their date more than one hour to make the cut for the second date. 

Particularly speedy was the 21-39 year old sub-set of survey-takers, a full 20% of whom need only 5 minutes.  The 40-49 year olds are slightly more patient, with 33% allowing their dates more than one hour to make a second date-worthy first impression.  Keeping things balanced, however, was the fact that the men and women seemed to take about the same amount of time to size each other up.

It’s Just Lunch President, Irene LaCota, finds these results interesting, but not surprising.  “Especially in today’s society, we’re so used to both demanding and getting instant information, that we’ve become a bit impatient and closed off, sometimes to our own detriment,” she said. 

What factors are these singles taking into consideration during that time period, which might sway them in one direction or another?  The majority of respondents - 54% - cited “No physical attraction.”  “Lack of personality” was selected by 48% of respondents; “Boring conversation” by 46%; “No shared interests” by 39%; and “Different outlook on life” by 38%.

Once they had made it to the second date, respondents varied on how many additional dates they would need before they could tell if the other was “right” for them.  For the majority of respondents, 62%, that determination was made in 2-4 dates.  16% knew after only one date.  Thirteen percent gave it 5-7 dates; 3% 8-10 dates; and for 6% it took more than 10 dates.  Interestingly, the number of people who needed “more than 10 dates” increased steadily as respondents got older, ranging from 4% for the 21-29 year olds to 15% of the respondents who were over 60.

A date’s income – a topic that It’s Just Lunch doesn’t feel should be a factor before a first date – was, for the purposes of this survey, “Somewhat important” to 56% of respondents.  Fourteen percent of total respondents said it was “Very important” and only 16% considered it “Not important at all.”    Interestingly, a full 76% of women said that income was “somewhat” to “very” important, as compared to only 42% of men. 

Additional findings from the 2009 IJL/American Way magazine survey include:

• On average, how many dates do you go on per year?  The majority, 37% of respondents reported going on 1-5 dates annually.  Twenty-three percent went on 6-10, 19% on 11-25, and 9% on over 25 dates per year.  Twelve percent of respondents reported that they did not date at all. 

• How do you typically meet dates?  When asked by IJL and American Wayhow they typically meet dates, only 14% of respondents are meeting at a restaurant or bar.  A full 21% met through a dating service, compared to the 27% who met online.  Other reported ways of meeting included through a friend or family member (38%), at work or through colleagues (20%), and through a shared hobby (15%).

• Which statement sums up your dating beliefs most accurately?  When asked by American Way and It’s Just Lunch about their dating beliefs, 81% felt there were many potential matches they could be happy with.  Nineteen percent, on the other hand, reported “there is one true love for each person in the world.” 

• What is the most difficult thing about dating?  Fifty-two percent of passengers responding to the It’s Just Lunch/American Way poll said the most difficult thing about dating was meeting a person they were compatible with.  Thirty-six percent cited meeting other singles as their challenge.  Nine percent reported that it was simply hard to find time in their schedule. 

Since this survey was taken by passengers of American Airlines, 25% of respondents replied that they had met someone they might be interested in dating on an airplane.

LaCota summed up the survey this way: “When it comes to dating, we may all want to try to slow things down, relax some of our rules, and give people a bit of a chance before we come to a final conclusion about them.  Life has a way of pleasantly surprising you if you are patient.” 

About the Survey

The It’s Just Lunch/American Waymagazine survey of 2,772 respondents was conducted online, from May 1, 2009 through June 30, 2009. 

About It’s Just Lunch

It's Just Lunch is a specialized dating service for busy singles.  IJL’s first date specialists save busy singles from the frustration of having to search through seas of online profiles, or play endless e-mail tag.  The company, which has arranged more than two million first dates in the past 18 years, handles everything in a personalized and efficient manner – from finding the right matches to making all the arrangements for a date, at a nice location for lunch, brunch or after-work drinks.  It's Just Lunch was founded in 1991 and has grown to service over 150 cities within the U.S. and internationally, and has many wonderful success stories.  For more information, please visit www.itsjustlunch.com.

About American Way magazine

American Way Magazine is the award-winning in flight magazine of American Airlines and American Eagle Airlines. 

Keep Your Checklists in Check

 By: Andrea Syrtash, Host of "On Dating"

I knew a guy – let’s call him Rob – who polled all of his friends to find out if the woman he was dating was hot. She was. She was also so insecure that she competed with every woman in his life (including his sister), and was rude to wait-staff.  Had Rob asked us if his girlfriend was kind, thoughtful or fun most of us would answer with a resounding ‘not really!’

 

Over the 10 weeks or so that Rob and the hot (but not so cool) woman dated, I noticed that he rarely spoke about how he felt about his girlfriend. Rather, he said things like, “You should see the way other guys look at her! She’s nice to walk into a party with…” One day I responded, “Do you like her as much when she walks into your house? Are you into her and do you respect her when nobody else is looking?”  I believe this is a question each of us should ask ourselves with the person we are dating if we are looking for a long-term commitment as my friend Rob was. After all, most of our lives with someone exist inside those walls. Rob nodded but his reaction made it obvious that this woman would not be his future wife.

 

So many of us use pre-determined checklists when dating that have little to do with our big picture goals or with what will make us genuinely happy with another person. In dating, and in life for that matter, we must learn to differentiate between immediate gratification and long-term fulfillment. We must pay more attention to how we feel than what other people may think.

 

It’s certainly important to be attracted to the woman you are with; but don’t let that overshadow your better judgment about how she may be a few months or years from now as your wife and potentially the mother of your children.  

 

I don’t believe you should settle when you settle down, but I do believe that you should devise checklists that more accurately reflect your values - - with what is truly important to you, rather than following a list full of superficial criteria. For this reason, I have devised a few new ‘love-lists’ that may help you determine whether someone feels like a match – or not:

 

1)      Record five qualities that you ‘must have’ and five qualities that you ‘can’t stand’ in a potential mate. You are entitled to some superficial deal-breakers, of course, but by choosing only 10 qualities, you are more likely to focus you on what is truly important to you.

 

2)     Consider my four essential ingredients to a successful relationship: Is your mate a good partner, lover, companion and friend? It’s not enough to find a good friend if you don’t want to be with her in the bedroom, and you won’t be satisfied marrying a great lover if she’s a terrible partner.

 

3)     I know you like her - - but do you like who you are with her? Does she bring out the best in you? Does she challenge you without trying to change you?  These are the kind of questions that I believe each of us should ask before we pair off with one person.

 

 

I once heard someone say that he can’t describe the perfect woman just as he can’t describe a beautiful and inspiring piece of art before he sees it. In the end, it’s really not about adding things up neatly on paper. You are more likely to find dating success when you chose a connection over a checklist.

Why You Should Drop Your Checklist

 By: Evan Marc Katz, Author of "Why You're Still Single: Thing Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised Not to Get Mad" 

It’s a fact that most of us have mental checklists describing the qualities of our ideal mate.

Some authors even encourage you to write these things down, to clarify your goals. This can be a useful exercise. But because I don’t want you to work too hard, I’m going to do it for you. You want someone who is:

1)      Attractive

2)      Honest

3)      Intelligent

4)      Kind

5)      Funny

6)      Financially Stable

This is entirely normal. Then again, you probably ALSO want someone who is:

7)      Loyal

8)      Family-oriented

9)      Passionate

10)  Generous

11)  Interesting

12)  Confident

Solid list, huh? Except the list gets longer when you really think about it...

13)  Fit

14)  Chivalrous

15)  Charming

16)  Ambitious

17)  Sexy

18)  Creative

In case you’re wondering, there is nothing wrong with this list. Except that it can keep going and going and going. For each quality you add, there’s another justifiable reason that a man is not suited for you.

Maybe he’s got 17 out of 18 qualities, except he’s…

Not close with family. That’s a big one. After all, you’re tight with yours and you think it’s strange that he doesn’t enjoy spending time with his brothers every Thanksgiving.

Not confident. He’s an amazing guy, but he just tries so damn hard to please that you can’t even respect him. If he just grew a pair, he’d be perfect!

Not sexy. You know what it’s like to feel lust and you just don’t feel it with him. You can’t go the rest of your life without that chemical rush.

We can continue, of course, but I think you see the point. It’s not that any of these desires are unimportant. It’s that, no matter what, you’re ALWAYS going to find a dealbreaker.

Even when you’re getting 17 out of 18 of your needs met, you’ll pick the ONE that makes you want to throw the baby out with the bathwater.

It’s easy to turn everything into a dealbreaker. It’s a lot harder to forgive a date’s negative traits. Yet nothing’s more important. Nothing. Seriously, if my wife didn’t forgive a

LOT

of bad qualities, I could very easily be a 37-year-old single dating coach right now.

This reminds me of a question I got at a book signing for “Why You’re Still Single”. At the end, a woman challenged me about a chapter called “Tip Your Baggage Handler”: “I am a smart, strong, successful, beautiful, independent woman,” she said. “I have everything going for me. So why should I have to accept a man with baggage?”

I thought about it for a half-second, smiled, and replied, “The only reason to accept a man’s baggage… is because you want a man to accept your baggage.”

And that’s what we forget. If you’re overlooking the fact that he’s not that funny, ambitious or book smart, believe me, he’s overlooking a bunch of things, too.

If everything’s a dealbreaker, it’s no surprise that it’s next to impossible to strike a deal.

 

Evan Marc Katz is a dating coach and the author of “Why You’re Still Single”. Learn to create your own success in dating by picking up his free eBook, “The 5 Massive Mistakes You’re Making in Your Love Life” at www.evanmarckatz.com/newsletter.html

Dating after Divorce

After going through a divorce, there are lots of things to think about before you begin to date again.  From the IJL clients I have worked with, here's what helps people succeed in dating after a divorce.

Being positive is really important.  Before you go on a date, think of things you can talk about so you don't end up talking about your ex.  (And that doesn't mean spending your entire dinner talking about your kids, either!)  You can ask questions.  You can talk about your job, what you love to do on weekends, a recent trip you took.

Many times I have heard feedback from dates during which someone has bad mouthed his/her ex-husband or wife.  No one wants to hear you talk trash about your ex.  It doesn't make him/her feel that you are in a good place to be dating.  It also may scare the person off.  So much negativity doesn't make a date fun for anyone.  Sure, your ex may have done some terrible things, but a first date isn't a therapy session.  You want to make a good first impression on your first date.

There are some constructive ways to talk about divorce, as the subject may come up.  Christine Hartman, a psychologist and author, has some advise:

• Very personal information, such as why the marriage failed and the nature of your relationship with you ex, should be saved for a later date when the two of you are more comfortable with each other.  As Hartman puts it, "Your date wants to know about you, not your former marriage."
• Don't go into too much detail.  Focus on what you learned and how it made you a better person.  "This decreases the chances of overwhelming your partner," she says.
• Be neutral when speaking about your past partner.  If you criticize your ex, you risk sounding petty and emotionally involved.  If you heap on praise, you sound as though you still have romantic feelings for your ex.
• Know what you want out of the relationship and what you're capable of.  "Be honest with yourself first, then with potential partners."

Conversation Don'ts for Men

Avoid these danger zones!

• Don't corner her into revealing her age - it's never welcome.
• Don't use an authoritative or formal tone - save it for the office.
• Don't compliment below the neck.  No woman wants to know how you've been checking out her nether regions.
• Don't go overboard with the bravado.  Bragging about past conquests, thinking you know more about her anatomy/job/family than she does, or trying to impress her with your salary or net worth will leave you solo.  Confidence is alluring - cockiness is not. 
• Don't "over-friend."  This means you're acting like all you want is to chat, because that's exactly what you'll end up with.  Inject a little flirty banter into the conversation and don't hide your intentions. 
• Don't "self-reject."  Deciding that someone is out of your league and failing to make a move will ensure you never get rejected or accepted.  Why?  Because you rejected yourself first!
• Don't ask if she has kids right away.  Single moms are sensitive about this and fear that you might have your "avoid the instant family" radar turned on.

Dos and Don'ts of Online Dating

1.  DO be honest.  You're going to have to meet in person one day (or at least you hope to), so tell the truth early rather than having to face an awkward conversation later. 

2.  DON'T reveal too much about yourself until you become better acquainted.  You want to meet online, not have an online relationship. 

3.  DON'T use your last name or give out your personal information until you've known the person for a while.

4.  DO dial *67 before dialing their phone number.  It will block your phone number and name from appearing on a recipient's Caller ID unit.  You also can use your cell phone so your address can't be tracked.

5.  DO get a separate email account that does not give away your real name - some email providers allow you to create multiple addresses or names for free.

6.  DO post an up-to-date photo, and ask if their photo is recent.  Many aren't.

7.  DON'T spend too much time emailing before talking on the phone or meeting in person.  Nothing can replace face-to-face chemistry.  Better to find out if you have any before you get too involved.

8.  DON'T jump too quickly into sexy talk; it may send the wrong message.

9.  DO meet in a public place.

10.  DO make every word count.  Keep your descriptions light hearted, to the point, and add a little teaser.

11.  DO expect a flood of emails.  Longtime users will jump at the opportunity to meet someone new.

12.  DON'T be ambiguous.  Be clear about what you want, your goals and desires.